I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.