ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.