I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Bro what is this
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.