My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me