I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”