I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.