The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Fight
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My dog ate my work from home.