If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
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Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
A little too much information.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”