Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
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I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11