a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.