“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA