FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
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i love meeting boys on tinder
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I have never related to a cat more
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you