I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
getting groceries
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.