Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks