Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
💁🏻♂️
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.