ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
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*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.