5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.