There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?