When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
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me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”