ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.