Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it