Any time a child tries to guess my age.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
hmmm
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.