With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
You Might Also Like
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Golf would be better with landmines.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.