*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
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I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
estão todos miauvindo?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.