I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…