Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I feel it
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*