Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
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Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
lol
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*