Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*