The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
this is so top tier i cant
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.