Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
birds and squirrels envy us
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Finally
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”