Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Van Gone
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…