Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”