I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
You Might Also Like
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY