me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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Finally, an explanation.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.