I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
When someone trying to leave me
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
It was worth a shot 😂
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
23. the denim jacket
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal