ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
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I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I hate everything
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime