Me, flirting😏
You Might Also Like
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The answer is funnier than the question
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I have so many questions.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My what?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.