8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
🌱🌱🌱
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.