My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”