Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
the noise i just made
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same