*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”