[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
You Might Also Like
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?