Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
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People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
The Compass
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.