[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
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After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I am yelling
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.