My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
3% human
97% stress
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property