HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Important reminders
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.