An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
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*skinny dips into black hole
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Oh hi lol
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
broke down and did it
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
be careful