I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon