Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
This headline is a thing of beauty
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.