There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.